2 Nephi 4

Nephi laments his sins, yet has confidence in his abilities through the atonement. Nothing has made me feel more helpless and humbled than having children. I have always wanted kids, And I have enjoyed being a father, but my idea of how fatherhood was going to be vs. how fatherhood actually is, has been starkly different. What has been the most humbling for me has been trying to affect the behavior of my children. In large part I have felt helpless in my attempts to have  a major influence on what my children do. I would like to be able to get an immediate response from my every command, and have total respect from my children for my attempts to help them navigate through life, but I realize now, that does not allow for agency. In my frustrations I have quick to anger, I have overreacted, and lost my patience. None of these things has ever helped any situation with my children, and I feel like saying “Oh wretched man that I am”. I need to rely more on my savior to help with the challenges of raising my children.

The power of choice

I have an idea of what I want when I think of the future for my children. I have expectations of how they will act, what careers they will choose, and hope they will be active participants in their faith. I wish I could see their futures, and help warn them of their future mistakes. I have a perspective that may be dated, but also comes from experiences that I know will help them. I am trying to teach them good habits, attitudes, and develop a relationship that will be helpful to them long after they leave the house.

BUT, what if they choose an entirely different path. What if they make choices that are unhealthy, irresponsible, and draw themselves away from me? It is these fears that makes me want to have more control over them. The world is a scary place that can lead to sorrow and misery, if only I could get into their bodies and help out a little bit, then they could truly be happy.

Well, that thinking is obviously impossible, naive, and perhaps harmful. I will always love my children, but I need to be prepared to love them and be a place of comfort for them even if they make unhealthy and irresponsible choices. I need to be able to trust their ability to choose, and let them know I am a safe space for them to come to regardless of theirs choices. And even if I could go through and make their choices for them, it would have no real effect on them. Making choices is the most fundamental part of being human, or being a child of God. If our choices are made for us, we have no ability to derive any sort of growth. Choices must be our own, and as much as I want to help them, giving them choice is the only way they can learn.

I wish I could sit down with Lehi while he was on his death bed as described in Chapter 1-3 of 2 Nephi and get his perspective on the disparate choices made by his sons. We get a glimpse of his feelings in these chapters as he states “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”,  “Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself”, “men are, that they might have joy”, and “men...are free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity and death”. Lehi recognized the importance of choice in his posterity and ultimately prophesied and bestowed blessings to his posterity based on their choices. It must have been difficult for him to see his children make choices that caused conflict and division, but he recognized everyone needs to choose for themselves. Coercion and force do not bring happiness, only choice can do that.

1 Nephi 18:9 “they did forget”

In 1 Nephi 18, Laman and Lemuel went back to their old ways and rebelled against Nephi, Lehi, and God while sailing on the boat to the promised land. This is after so many miracles that had happened in their lives up to this point. But, why would they think to make a big deal out of the miracles that they saw? This was their life and they probably didn’t consider that other people did not see angels, have a prophet as a father and brother, and be miraculously led through the wilderness to a promised land. In fact, we do know that they were familiar with the story and significance of Moses, and perhaps this just felt like normal to them. I think we do the same thing in our lives. When I look back at my life I  can clearly see the hand of God, miracles, and spiritual blessings, but does that keep me from making mistakes, often the exact same mistakes as I made before? In many instances, no, and mostly because of the same reasons  Laman and Lemuel probably struggled. Although I have countless blessings and miracles happening in my life, I often become complacent and lazy in how I approach the challenges of being a father and husband.

In my parenting and in my marriage I have unfortunately many times “forget by what power” I have arrived where I am today, and I continue to make the same mistakes. For Laman and Lemuel, they were met with storms, angels, and powers of the Lord that prevented them from severe consequences of their mistakes. I am glad that is not how I am motivated to do better, but I am also saddened that in order for me to do better, the people around me that I have hurt have to forgive me. My actions create problems for my children and wife, and I hope they have enough patience for me to figure out how to not make the same mistakes. 

Support comes with Effort 1 NE 17

Nephi was asked to do a lot of hard things. He left his home and possessions, wandered through the wilderness, built a boat, and sailed across the sea. He had plenty of challenges along the way, but he was always met with inspiration and ability to “accomplish the thing which he has commended them”. His perspective is portrayed as positive and faithful in all these difficulties. I would never look as eating raw meat as a blessing, but he did. I have always been struck with his response to the commandment to “construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee”. Immediately after this instruction Nephi’s response was “Lord, whiter shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?” I would like to relate an experience that I am currently having that I think fits this same pattern.

I have a teenager who can often be difficult. He is a great kid, who wants to make good choices, but his lack of maturity often leads to conflict in our family. My wife and I have sometimes been at our wits end when trying to deal with it. After a fairly troubling episode, we both felt a little helpless in our efforts to help him. But for some reason I too followed the examples of Laman and Lemuel in my response. I felt like it would all work itself out somehow, and that I wouldn’t have to devote specific effort towards the problem.. I would complain about the situation, and I did not put in a significant effort to find real solutions. In this Information Age, I do not think that answers, help, or information is very far away if we look for it. It finally dawned on me, that I need to do some research and WORK and find the tools, just like Nephi did. So I asked friends of mine that are therapists and deal with this type of problems with others, they recommended some books that I started reading, and the “construction of our ship” has begun. We are far from reaching the end of this trial, but I know that the Lord expects me to put in a more consistent effort and equip myself with the tools necessary to build a stronger family.

1Nephi 16: Guilty

A few phrases from this chapter made me reflect on feelings I have had as a parent. “The guilty take the truth to be hard” from verse 2 and “they did humble themselves before the Lord” in verse 5. The truth can be a hard pill to swallow when it is about us. It is easy for us to point out when we are right or the good decisions we have made, but when someone tells us something we need to work on it is too easy to get defensive and react aggressively. This can be especially true when it comes from someone close to us such as our spouse, but I think it can be even harder to hear from our children. My children vary in their views of authority, but mostly they do not hesitate to express their opinions. Often they are childish and based on a lack of understanding but sometimes they are honest and provide clarity on situations. I have had to swallow some pills of truth that have been offered by my children sometimes, but most often I will respond with an appeal to my authority, wrong as I may be. It is often not till I have cooled off a little bit until I can respond with clarity and apologize for my behavior.

Another exercise that I do not do enough is ask my children what I can do better as their father. I know I am not doing everything right, all I have to do to remind myself of that is to think of the times that I felt my own parents made mistakes. When I have asked, sometimes my kids don’t really tell me anything substantial, but I hope that the humility is there enough so that they can feel that they can offer me advice and I can listen and take it in, like Laman and Lemuel did here.

1 Nephi 15: Finding answers

At a certain point, after you have learned how to learn, if you lack information on how to deal with a problem, it is your fault. This is especially pertinent as it applies to parenting. In 1 Nephi 15 we have 2 attitudes toward information that are telling towards the motivations of the people involved. After hearing Lehi’s dream and vision, Nephi went to the Lord and was shown a vision that confirmed what he learned and increased his understanding on the subject. Nephi lacked the resources that we have today at our disposal for information, yet, he still went to the most reliable source he had available (prayer). As Nephi returns to see what everyone else is up to he finds Laman and Lemuel “disputing one with another” because they did not ask the Lord and find information.

When we have problems as parents and spouses, what do we do? Do we sit around and argue with our uninformed opinions “disputing one with another”. I know I will often try and argue my point of view as if it has some authority, when in reality, I have no basis for knowing these things other than what I think. Wouldn’t it be much better if I had a bit of humility and tried to find the right questions first, and then sought out those answers using the best information available?

An obvious place to go for answers was also suggested by Nephi to his brothers. In verse 11 Nephi says “Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you”. Heavenly Father is willing to guide you towards answers but it takes effort to find those answers. Prayer, spiritual guidance, and effort will give us the best opportunity to find answers to our parental and spousal responsibilities.

Now fast forward to today. We have access to information from the ends of the earth in the palm of our hands. But still, I often think I know what is best without consulting Heavenly Father, and without diligently searching for the best answers based on other peoples experiences, scientific research, or professional guidance. Mostly when I take this erroneous approach is it is because I am lazy. I understand that it will take a significant part of my time to find and apply these answers, and what usually happens is the problem remains, and I remain in the dark as to what to do about it.

Bottom line is, don’t be lazy, find the answers, if that is what you want, or remain in lazy ignorance without them.

The Power and wrath of God

1 Nephi 14:14-15 What is the power of the Lamb of God?

When I think of the power of the Lamb of God, I immediately think of what the atonement has enabled me to do in my life. I have been able to repent and progress in my spirituality, I have been kinder, more loving, and understanding, and ultimately I have been a better person.

The only other time where the phrase “power of the Lamb of God” is used is in chapter 11 of 1 Nephi and it refers to the healing of Jesus Christ during his ministry. The power of the Lamb in verse 14 is given to the covenant people, which were also armed with “righteousness” and the “power of God”. I like to think the power of the Lamb of God is the enabling power of the atonement. The power to overcome weaknesses, sing, pain, and misery due to the fulfillment of their price through the atonement. I like to think that righteousness as the things we do that allow for us to be free and able to fulfill the plan of salvation. I think that includes being free from addictions, sin, and poverty. Righteousness enables us to be in a position of influence for good. A righteous person is trusted, healthy, clear-minded, and able. I think the the “power of God” in this verse refers to the priesthood. Having used the atonement and being enabled by righteousness we can carry out the will of God through his authority and power on Earth. These 3 things are interrelated and all build off of each other.