2 Nephi 7:1

THIS is the attitude that we need to have with our children. “Yea, for thus saith the Lord: Have I put thee away, or have I cast thee off forever? For thus saith the Lord: Where is the bill of your mother’s divorcement? To whom have I put thee away, or to which of my creditors have I sold you? Yea, to whom have I sold you? Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.”

We need to be available to our children no matter what they do, much like our Heavenly Father is available to us no matter what we do. That does not mean he condones our bad behavior or that he does not let us have consequences. As a child of God I feel fully supported in my righteous decisions and encourage to do something about my unrighteous ones.

Questions for reflections of parenting:

Do our children feel safe sharing their mistakes with us as parents?
Do our children know that they can mess up and still be loved?
How do you react to your child’s mistakes?
Do you pattern correct behavior for your children?
Are children allowed to ask why? And do you seek for them to understand?
Do your children understand boundaries, consequences, goals, set backs, failure, success, practice, patience?
Are you willing to admit to your children when you have made mistakes? Do you apologize to them?
Do your children know you love them?

2 Nephi 6: Learn and Glorify God

JAcob picks up the dialogue in chapter 6 as Nephi passes the torch to his younger brother to be the spiritual leader of the Nephites. He decides to share with the people words of Isaiah that his people “may learn and glorify the name of your God”. I love the attitude he has with the scriptures which can be difficult for our children to understand, grasp, and apply to their lives. I love the new “Come, Follow Me” program from the Church because it gives a platform that everyone can relate to from children to groups of adults. It has made out scripture study more significant as a family, and I have enjoyed the discussions during Sunday School at Church.

I also really enjoy listening and reading words of the prophets from General Conference. Their ability to interpret the scriptures and provide experiences and application and interpretation of the scriptures. Using their words has definitely made me a better father, husband, and person.

2 Nephi 5: Lessons for Peace

Nephi endured a lot. I don’t know if and when he thought he would be able to find peace, but even after settling the new land, his brother still sought to kill him, and he was only able to find peace once he left them. Unfortunately there was nothing left for him to do with his brothers and his only option was separation. But, it seems that the separation he made finally allowed him the peace that he needed. 2 Nephi 5 then has a few lessons for peace that I thought were also important to being a Father and husband

1) Walk away from conflict. I have found that when my children become irrational, upset, and beyond able to control their emotions any attempt to offer them advice, correction, or help is ineffective. At these points it is better for them to just be separate, much like Nephi found that he had to finally separate himself from his brothers.

2) Obedience to the commandments. Nephi continued to “observe to keep the judgments, and the statues, and the commandments of the Lord in all things”. A pattern of turning away from these things often occurs in moments of peace. Do not relax your relationship with the things of God when things are peaceful, maintain and continue to do the things which have brought you where you are.

3) Make a defense for your enemies. Perhaps not literally, but there are many spiritual enemies that will take advantage of times of peace. Always be mindful of your weaknesses and the danger that lurks not far behind any circumstance of peace. If we become relaxed and let our guard down, we can be spiritually weak.

4) Work. Idle hands are a devils workshop. In our world today we have continual increase of leisure time. What we do with it is important. Work can mean a number of things: practicing an instrument, sport, or talent, getting a job, doing house projects and chores, doing service. As children and parents let us often find ourselves working together.

5) The temple. Nephi built a temple. I don’t think I will ever be asked to build a temple. My duty will only be to attend. As we have times of peace, we should have more opportunity to attend the temple and be reminded of our covenants while seeking revelation. I know that I have received many promptings in the temple that have improved my family life.

2 Nephi 4

Nephi laments his sins, yet has confidence in his abilities through the atonement. Nothing has made me feel more helpless and humbled than having children. I have always wanted kids, And I have enjoyed being a father, but my idea of how fatherhood was going to be vs. how fatherhood actually is, has been starkly different. What has been the most humbling for me has been trying to affect the behavior of my children. In large part I have felt helpless in my attempts to have  a major influence on what my children do. I would like to be able to get an immediate response from my every command, and have total respect from my children for my attempts to help them navigate through life, but I realize now, that does not allow for agency. In my frustrations I have quick to anger, I have overreacted, and lost my patience. None of these things has ever helped any situation with my children, and I feel like saying “Oh wretched man that I am”. I need to rely more on my savior to help with the challenges of raising my children.

The power of choice

I have an idea of what I want when I think of the future for my children. I have expectations of how they will act, what careers they will choose, and hope they will be active participants in their faith. I wish I could see their futures, and help warn them of their future mistakes. I have a perspective that may be dated, but also comes from experiences that I know will help them. I am trying to teach them good habits, attitudes, and develop a relationship that will be helpful to them long after they leave the house.

BUT, what if they choose an entirely different path. What if they make choices that are unhealthy, irresponsible, and draw themselves away from me? It is these fears that makes me want to have more control over them. The world is a scary place that can lead to sorrow and misery, if only I could get into their bodies and help out a little bit, then they could truly be happy.

Well, that thinking is obviously impossible, naive, and perhaps harmful. I will always love my children, but I need to be prepared to love them and be a place of comfort for them even if they make unhealthy and irresponsible choices. I need to be able to trust their ability to choose, and let them know I am a safe space for them to come to regardless of theirs choices. And even if I could go through and make their choices for them, it would have no real effect on them. Making choices is the most fundamental part of being human, or being a child of God. If our choices are made for us, we have no ability to derive any sort of growth. Choices must be our own, and as much as I want to help them, giving them choice is the only way they can learn.

I wish I could sit down with Lehi while he was on his death bed as described in Chapter 1-3 of 2 Nephi and get his perspective on the disparate choices made by his sons. We get a glimpse of his feelings in these chapters as he states “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”,  “Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself”, “men are, that they might have joy”, and “men...are free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity and death”. Lehi recognized the importance of choice in his posterity and ultimately prophesied and bestowed blessings to his posterity based on their choices. It must have been difficult for him to see his children make choices that caused conflict and division, but he recognized everyone needs to choose for themselves. Coercion and force do not bring happiness, only choice can do that.

1 Nephi 18:9 “they did forget”

In 1 Nephi 18, Laman and Lemuel went back to their old ways and rebelled against Nephi, Lehi, and God while sailing on the boat to the promised land. This is after so many miracles that had happened in their lives up to this point. But, why would they think to make a big deal out of the miracles that they saw? This was their life and they probably didn’t consider that other people did not see angels, have a prophet as a father and brother, and be miraculously led through the wilderness to a promised land. In fact, we do know that they were familiar with the story and significance of Moses, and perhaps this just felt like normal to them. I think we do the same thing in our lives. When I look back at my life I  can clearly see the hand of God, miracles, and spiritual blessings, but does that keep me from making mistakes, often the exact same mistakes as I made before? In many instances, no, and mostly because of the same reasons  Laman and Lemuel probably struggled. Although I have countless blessings and miracles happening in my life, I often become complacent and lazy in how I approach the challenges of being a father and husband.

In my parenting and in my marriage I have unfortunately many times “forget by what power” I have arrived where I am today, and I continue to make the same mistakes. For Laman and Lemuel, they were met with storms, angels, and powers of the Lord that prevented them from severe consequences of their mistakes. I am glad that is not how I am motivated to do better, but I am also saddened that in order for me to do better, the people around me that I have hurt have to forgive me. My actions create problems for my children and wife, and I hope they have enough patience for me to figure out how to not make the same mistakes. 

Support comes with Effort 1 NE 17

Nephi was asked to do a lot of hard things. He left his home and possessions, wandered through the wilderness, built a boat, and sailed across the sea. He had plenty of challenges along the way, but he was always met with inspiration and ability to “accomplish the thing which he has commended them”. His perspective is portrayed as positive and faithful in all these difficulties. I would never look as eating raw meat as a blessing, but he did. I have always been struck with his response to the commandment to “construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee”. Immediately after this instruction Nephi’s response was “Lord, whiter shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?” I would like to relate an experience that I am currently having that I think fits this same pattern.

I have a teenager who can often be difficult. He is a great kid, who wants to make good choices, but his lack of maturity often leads to conflict in our family. My wife and I have sometimes been at our wits end when trying to deal with it. After a fairly troubling episode, we both felt a little helpless in our efforts to help him. But for some reason I too followed the examples of Laman and Lemuel in my response. I felt like it would all work itself out somehow, and that I wouldn’t have to devote specific effort towards the problem.. I would complain about the situation, and I did not put in a significant effort to find real solutions. In this Information Age, I do not think that answers, help, or information is very far away if we look for it. It finally dawned on me, that I need to do some research and WORK and find the tools, just like Nephi did. So I asked friends of mine that are therapists and deal with this type of problems with others, they recommended some books that I started reading, and the “construction of our ship” has begun. We are far from reaching the end of this trial, but I know that the Lord expects me to put in a more consistent effort and equip myself with the tools necessary to build a stronger family.