The power of choice

I have an idea of what I want when I think of the future for my children. I have expectations of how they will act, what careers they will choose, and hope they will be active participants in their faith. I wish I could see their futures, and help warn them of their future mistakes. I have a perspective that may be dated, but also comes from experiences that I know will help them. I am trying to teach them good habits, attitudes, and develop a relationship that will be helpful to them long after they leave the house.

BUT, what if they choose an entirely different path. What if they make choices that are unhealthy, irresponsible, and draw themselves away from me? It is these fears that makes me want to have more control over them. The world is a scary place that can lead to sorrow and misery, if only I could get into their bodies and help out a little bit, then they could truly be happy.

Well, that thinking is obviously impossible, naive, and perhaps harmful. I will always love my children, but I need to be prepared to love them and be a place of comfort for them even if they make unhealthy and irresponsible choices. I need to be able to trust their ability to choose, and let them know I am a safe space for them to come to regardless of theirs choices. And even if I could go through and make their choices for them, it would have no real effect on them. Making choices is the most fundamental part of being human, or being a child of God. If our choices are made for us, we have no ability to derive any sort of growth. Choices must be our own, and as much as I want to help them, giving them choice is the only way they can learn.

I wish I could sit down with Lehi while he was on his death bed as described in Chapter 1-3 of 2 Nephi and get his perspective on the disparate choices made by his sons. We get a glimpse of his feelings in these chapters as he states “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”,  “Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself”, “men are, that they might have joy”, and “men...are free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity and death”. Lehi recognized the importance of choice in his posterity and ultimately prophesied and bestowed blessings to his posterity based on their choices. It must have been difficult for him to see his children make choices that caused conflict and division, but he recognized everyone needs to choose for themselves. Coercion and force do not bring happiness, only choice can do that.

1 Nephi 18:9 “they did forget”

In 1 Nephi 18, Laman and Lemuel went back to their old ways and rebelled against Nephi, Lehi, and God while sailing on the boat to the promised land. This is after so many miracles that had happened in their lives up to this point. But, why would they think to make a big deal out of the miracles that they saw? This was their life and they probably didn’t consider that other people did not see angels, have a prophet as a father and brother, and be miraculously led through the wilderness to a promised land. In fact, we do know that they were familiar with the story and significance of Moses, and perhaps this just felt like normal to them. I think we do the same thing in our lives. When I look back at my life I  can clearly see the hand of God, miracles, and spiritual blessings, but does that keep me from making mistakes, often the exact same mistakes as I made before? In many instances, no, and mostly because of the same reasons  Laman and Lemuel probably struggled. Although I have countless blessings and miracles happening in my life, I often become complacent and lazy in how I approach the challenges of being a father and husband.

In my parenting and in my marriage I have unfortunately many times “forget by what power” I have arrived where I am today, and I continue to make the same mistakes. For Laman and Lemuel, they were met with storms, angels, and powers of the Lord that prevented them from severe consequences of their mistakes. I am glad that is not how I am motivated to do better, but I am also saddened that in order for me to do better, the people around me that I have hurt have to forgive me. My actions create problems for my children and wife, and I hope they have enough patience for me to figure out how to not make the same mistakes. 

Support comes with Effort 1 NE 17

Nephi was asked to do a lot of hard things. He left his home and possessions, wandered through the wilderness, built a boat, and sailed across the sea. He had plenty of challenges along the way, but he was always met with inspiration and ability to “accomplish the thing which he has commended them”. His perspective is portrayed as positive and faithful in all these difficulties. I would never look as eating raw meat as a blessing, but he did. I have always been struck with his response to the commandment to “construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee”. Immediately after this instruction Nephi’s response was “Lord, whiter shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me?” I would like to relate an experience that I am currently having that I think fits this same pattern.

I have a teenager who can often be difficult. He is a great kid, who wants to make good choices, but his lack of maturity often leads to conflict in our family. My wife and I have sometimes been at our wits end when trying to deal with it. After a fairly troubling episode, we both felt a little helpless in our efforts to help him. But for some reason I too followed the examples of Laman and Lemuel in my response. I felt like it would all work itself out somehow, and that I wouldn’t have to devote specific effort towards the problem.. I would complain about the situation, and I did not put in a significant effort to find real solutions. In this Information Age, I do not think that answers, help, or information is very far away if we look for it. It finally dawned on me, that I need to do some research and WORK and find the tools, just like Nephi did. So I asked friends of mine that are therapists and deal with this type of problems with others, they recommended some books that I started reading, and the “construction of our ship” has begun. We are far from reaching the end of this trial, but I know that the Lord expects me to put in a more consistent effort and equip myself with the tools necessary to build a stronger family.